Lately I’ve been feeling a bit sad but for the longest time I just couldn't figure out why?
I’m 99 percent better from all of my many birth complications and I really feel like I’m starting to get the hang of this mum gig so why do I feel like something is just not right?
Last week I was pushing my sweet baby boy in his swing when it hit me! I realised that what I’m feeling sad about is really like a type of grief. I’m grieving for the natural birth I thought I’d have but was brutally ripped away from me.
If you don't know my birth story then that’s probably a good thing. It was all very traumatic I’m not sure I’m even ready to tell that story just yet but what I am ready to talk about is grief.
Grieving for a moment lost in time...
Having to let go of something you imagined for so long is really painful. It’s like saying goodbye to a little piece of your life that you thought you’d have. You really thought it would be one way but now it’s all weird and different and you can never get it back. I actually thought for a long time that something must be wrong with me and that’s why I didn't have a natural birth but I realise now that is a pretty absurd thought. There is nothing wrong with me it just wasn’t meant to go that way. It’s hard to make peace with something like that though especially when the focus from society is on natural being best.
People often say things like “Woman have been doing this for generations” or “it’s natural, your body is made to do it” and “It will all just work when the time is right”. In the back of your mind you know that some things can go wrong and you know that it’s not going to be all sunshine and roses for everyone but the focus really is on having a natural birth.
I never thought it would be any other way for me. I had no issues leading up to my birth (except for bad morning sickness and high blood pressure) but it wasn't bad enough to warrant any real concern.
I had planned a water birth and I had discussed with our midwives that whatever needed to happen along the way I would be okay with. I made it about halfway through my labour, sitting in the birthing pool at the hospital it all seemed so surreal and so exciting! I remember thinking wow! this really going to happen. I’m going to have a peaceful, natural birth just like I had imagined…Then suddenly every inch of my body started screaming at me! I was in a world of pain and everything I had imagined was ripped away from me. Just. like. that. I ended up having an emergency C-section and so many complications I can’t even remember them all. It was scary beyond belief, so scary that I literally didn't stop shaking until a week afterwards.
When you're in a situation like that you start living hour to hour, day by day and we lived that way for the first 3 months. We weren't sure if I was going to have life long complications or if I would ever stop being in so much pain. The good news is that I did get better, your body is truly amazing and even when you feel like you will never get through a situation the truth is that you will. One day you will wake up and realise that those scary painful days are far behind you and now you can get on with living and appreciating your beautiful baby.
I think it’s okay to feel sad somedays because I lost a little part of my life story. I feel sad that I didn't get to have my ‘natural birth’. Sad that I didn’t get to go home after a few hours or even a few days but instead had to make the hospital into my make shift home. Sad that my baby was in distress and sad that I could barely lift him for days afterwards because I was so unwell. Mostly I feel sad that I missed out on that experience that people kept telling me was so natural because my experience was anything but.
Grief is a tricky beast… It comes in waves. Some days I feel fine with it and others I just ride out the feelings until they pass. What it’s taught me is that nothing is predetermined. There is no way of knowing how your journey into motherhood will go. Some days I honestly think that if I had known what my journey would be then I probably wouldn’t have chosen to become a Mum. Other days I see my little one looking up at me with his gorgeous big blue eyes and I think ‘No, of course I would have. I would do it all again’. Maybe people need to stop saying things like ‘it will just happen’ and start saying things like ‘it will be whatever it will be’. Let’s get rid of some of that pressure and expectation around there only being one ‘good way’ because I think that all birth is beautiful.
Acceptance:
There are some people who seem to be made for birthing babies while others struggle for years to get pregnant or with complications, some might struggle with mental illness along the way or a sick baby. Whatever our issues, what we are gifted with at the end is this brand new tiny person. A new unique little spirit who loves you and needs you and really doesn't mind however they arrived.
Becoming a mother is truly the hardest and most amazing thing I’ve ever done in my life. I do have days where I mourn the loss of my natural birth and maybe I will for awhile yet but I am reminded by my amazing boy that however he arrived is okay. It’s okay with him because he’s here now ( and luckily so am I).
I've accepted it and I've made peace with it.
Now it's time to get on with living because that's all we really have and life is happening right now. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes but I have to remember not to stay there. Take a deep breath then keep on living, keep on loving and keep on learning - I thank God for that chance every day.
This is really interesting... I wonder if it's a little to do with the people you have around you and their experiences.
ReplyDeleteI never expected anything of my labour, I really was happy what ever way it went, as long as bubs was ok... my sister had 3 traumatic c section births, ranging from her babies being at risk, to her very nearly dying in recovery. My sister in-laws have all had c sections due to complications. In fact in my family, I'm the only one who had a vaginal birth. It wasn't natural I had an epidural after 48 of contractions and dilation going backwards (who knew that could happen?) So I wonder if that is why I had no exspecations.
The "women have been having babies for 100 of years natural" agrument is stupid because a lot of babies and mothers died in childbirth due to natural births in those 100s of years. Medicine has moved on, women and ideas around child birth need to also... the aim is to do what ever is best for mum and bubs. There is no better birth then that.
Freeing yourself from expectations and moving in to flexiablity, giving yourself grace and forgiveness (For not living up to your own expectation of yourself as a mother-i have very high expectations of myself, it's not always helpful) is the most powerful thing you can do as a mother. It really releases you from what can be a stressful, regretful, failure mindset... to a place where you are empower to except that motherhood is messy learning curve. Be kind to yourself.